i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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