dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
