i don't plan on having that self control this summer
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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