I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
