So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
