dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
