so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
