Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
