the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
