I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
