Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
