morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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