My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
