Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
