I skipped work to stalk him.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
