Need sex. Gaining weight.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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