Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
