Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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