Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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