So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
