my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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