3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
