U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
