I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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