I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
