I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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