Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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