guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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