Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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