We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
