im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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