I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
