Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
