nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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