new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize