Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
