I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
