My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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