I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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