He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
