If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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