Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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