Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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