My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
