the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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