if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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