im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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