So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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