saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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