I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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