i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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