Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
