hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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