Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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