You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
