Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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