My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
