Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
