The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
