So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
