So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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