all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
barbara walters just said penis...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
